Following the Lead

Last week I managed to gain a lot of headway on book 1, which is what I am supposed to be doing, yet all this week book 4 is haunting my backside.  Everything I do leads me back to the characters in that book.  I'm supposed to be creating the beginning of the series and setting up the characters, landscape and rules but the problem is, in some cases I already know the rules and don't want to stop and define them.  The other issue is, as I write the books in the future, the rules become clearer or I am able to think about them in different terms.  What's a girl to do?  Keep ignoring the characters that seem like they really want to come out and keep plugging away at the beginning, or am I allowed to play with the characters who are demanding attention?  I've decided to play in book 4 for a little while, lest I forget everything that I have come up with.  Slap me on the wrist but I'm going for it.

While driving this week I focused on a relationship that I knew was bad between two people, but I didn't know why it was bad.  I hate when I know the end, but don't understand the reasoning behind it.  I know they don't like each other and they have a long history of hating each other.  I met the first character in book 2 and he told me hated the character in book 4.  Well great.  At least I know something about them.  Unfortunately I only have his perspective on their relationship and as we know, there are always two sides to the story.  The character in book 4 really hadn't found his voice yet, so I didn't know why they really hated each other, what the core problem was.  Thankfully he spoke up this week and gave me a really interesting reason for the fight.  It wasn't something as simple as, he liked a girl that I liked, or he stole my favorite shirt, it was something more fundamental, faith.  They had lost faith in one another.  I was shocked.  The more I write these characters, the more heartbreak I seem to find.  All of the characters in each book know each other and have decided to go their separate ways.  My heroine is trying to bring them all together, and yeah right, make them get along. 

I feel like I'm writing a high school reunion as a minor theme underneath all of the paranormal aspects and kissing and plot.  I knew my characters no longer liked each other and decided to disperse into the world, but I didn't know how dramatic it would be to bring them back together.  While I haven't written all of the relationships yet, I know that I'm going to have to tackle the issue.  At some point they were mostly friendly with each other, but now so much as happened to them its hard to get past all of the old issues.  Can you ever become friendly with your high school bully?  Maybe, maybe not, but what about the guy who used to be your best friend, that you loved like a brother who managed to somehow change and leave you behind?  Can you forgive him?  I'm not sure about that either.  It's easier to continue hating someone that you feel you have reason to hate.  It's hard to hate someone that you should forgive and love.  I guess that's why families have such a hard time.  As much as you may want to hate them, something inside tells you that you should get a long with them, even if you would rather pull out your own eyes.

When you have a person that you are loyal to and take them as a leader, you put your faith in them.  You believe in what they are doing and want to help them attain a common goal.  It's doesn't matter if that goal is fighting a war, running for political office or making sure the gym is ready for the Homecoming Dance.  You follow someone because you believe they have the ability to accomplish something that you feel you can't accomplish on your own.  What happens when that person quits and leaves you in the lurch?  Do you pick up where they left off and become the leader?  Do you find someone else to take the helm and finish the task?  Do you quit and give up too, knowing that you can't do it yourself?  This is what my bad boy in Book 4 goes through, only it's not the Homecoming Dance he has to worry about.  He has to worry about losing himself to the darkness that surrounds him.  He looked to his leader to guide him when the choices were impossible to make. He had faith in his leader to get him through the tough spots because he couldn't do it on his own.  Once his leader was gone, my guy lost it.  He no longer knew how to function.  He gave up and turned to the darkness and lost faith.   Knowing this made me like my character so much more. 

All of these guys have done really bad things over time but you have to find a way to like them and redeem them.  I was not looking forward to writing the bad boy for book 4 because I thought he was just a jerk and not redeemable.  Then this huge reason for the way he is rears up and kicks me in the face.  Now I feel like I can write him.  I feel like can finally open up to him and allow is voice to come through.  I'm looking forward to finding out what happens between him and my heroine and if he can come to terms with his former leader.  If not, it should be a really great fight.

The Middle

I saw a twitter post the other day that said a writer wished he knew what happened in the middle of the book.  I couldn't agree with him more.  I find that I run into one of two problems.  Either, I know the beginning and end or only parts somewhere in the middle.  It's a rare case when I know what will happen straight through the story.  Of course the story is ever evolving and changing and the amazing things tend to take place when you aren't looking.

I have been focusing on Book 1 again and I had the same issue.  I knew the beginning and mostly the end, but the middle was rather murky.  I decided that I needed to change perspectives and tell some of the middle from a different character's point of view.  I had a lot of information that I needed the reader to know, but it would have been a bit draggy if the same characters threw out all this description.  I found that when I'm stuck on how to present new info, I should change my character and give the reader a new vantage point.  I was also able to let the readers learn a little about a character that would continue on throughout all the books.  He was able to guide me through some tricky spots and then hand off to a third character that will be equally important.

So I was writing the big reveal the other day and I was having trouble arranging it so that it made sense.  I had all of this information, but it felt like one giant mess.  I decided to slow down the pace a little and instead of having huge descriptive paragraphs from one character, I made it more of a conversation so that the information flowed more easily.  I ended up cutting and pasting and rearranging the info and allowed my character to process it all before hitting her with something else.  I didn't want all of this news to be hurdled at her, but broke it up into understandable chucks and let her drive the conversation.  I am much happier with the result. 

In short, sometimes you have to allow a story the freedom to grow and develop in a way that feels right.  I tried to force the writing a number of times in that section and I hated it each time.  This chapter has been weighing on me for months.  I tried coming at it from different angles but it wasn't right.  I felt so much more relaxed once I had taken my time and let the story unfold rather than jam everything together and give the reader and my character whiplash. 

I was having so much fun writing the other day that I wrote a scene that I hoped would make the first book, but in the end I decided that it should really be used in the 2nd book.  I love writing something that is fun and cracks you up as you are writing it.  I told my son, Thing 1 what I had written, and the King of the One Liners threw out the funniest thing I had heard in awhile.  Thing 1 has a tendency to not only have great witty remarks, but the tone in which he says it would break the most serious person.  I was driving the car at the time and actually considered pulling over to the side because I was laughing so hard.  He's had this ability since he was about 2.  The kid is good.  It was so awesome that I decided to add it to the scene.  This is the kid that was condemn for not having enough creativity to write his own book.  (He is currently considering writing a story about dragons, having moved on from vampires.)

I am grateful to have the support of my family so that I can get through the tough middles and impossible endings.  Whenever I'm stuck, I can always go to Thing 1 and talk about a monster or an odd problem and get a new perspective.  Even if I don't use his idea, I can talk it through with him and find a resolution.  Thankfully Thing 1 takes after me and loves vampires, werewolves and zombies.  (Actually I have to thank his girlfriend for getting him into horror novels, but still we both have a love of the unexplained, and superheros, and Greek Mythology.)  I'm hoping that he doesn't become a serious adult who only watches the news and Masterpiece Theater, though somehow I don't think he will.  I'm hoping that one day he can write a book and I can help him with his impossible middles.

Inspiration

I'm sure that most people will tell you that they get their best ideas from talking to people they know or about things that happen in their own lives.  Others dream about things they wish would happen to them.  Somehow my inspiration comes at really random times.  Aside from closing my eyes and seeing the characters play out their own lives, as I have mentioned before, I also get weird little flashes while I'm doing something completely different than writing or thinking about writing.  I was walking up the stairs yesterday looking for a random item for Thing 1 or Thing 2 and bam, a great idea came to me.  I wasn't even thinking about my books.  How can looking for socks suddenly give you flash of brilliance that has been a plot problem for over a month?  I don't get it.  It will only be one sentence or one image and suddenly it makes hundreds of other things make sense.  It's like finding the missing dot in the connect the dot puzzle that you didn't even know was missing.  (Now the lion has a extra whisker that balances out his face better.)

My other source of inspiration is driving alone in the car, which of course is the worst place to have an idea.  I'm terrible at recording what I'm thinking.  I end up not even using what I said on tape.  Instead, I have to wait until I get to my destination and email myself on my phone the general outline.  To anyone walking past my car, it would look like I was having a texting war with someone.  I look intense and my thumbs are going a mile a minute trying to remember everything from a 30 minute car ride. 

I also find that my characters help me out as well.  As we all know this series has been sitting in my head forever and I have pictured what it looks like a million times.  Well, it took a character to enter into one of the Halls and look around and make a random comment to change something completely.  He added a history to the location that even I didn't know.  How the heck does that happen?  I have been there for 16 years and in 1 second he tells me something I never knew.  I was floored by that one.  It still gives me chills. 

I should be angry with my characters for changing my writing.  I will think about something and have this whole conversation or idea in my head and the second I put my hands on the keyboard and start writing for the character that is supposed to have the conversation, his or her voice takes over and the conversation completely changes.  Apparently they are a lot smarter than I am since their conversation comes out so much better than my original one.  I should be jealous or concerned that I'm losing my mind.  Either way, I usually happy with the result.  I find that when I write in my own voice, like in my blog, it's never as interesting as when I can channel the voice of the character.  (I usually delete what I wrote and let the character's voice win.)  It's funny when I got back and read the dialog and laugh out loud because I either forgot what I wrote, or it so completely fits the character's attitude.

The last 2 nights I've had trouble deciding on how to work a number of ideas and places into my first book.  I had to erase most of it because I hated it and it didn't feel right.  I realized that I had lost my character's voice.  Once I let them speak, I suddenly had the scene from the correct perspective and was actually able to write something decent.  What a relief.  Now if I only had the time and energy to write everything that I want to write.  I have forced myself to refocus on book one otherwise it will never get done as I play with the other books.  I'm dying to get to 12 now that I have an outline, and 8 since it doesn't seem as daunting anymore.  Even 5 would be more fun.  Sadly, you sometimes have to start at the beginning.  I have the pieces of the puzzle, I just need to get my crayons out and color them to match the rest of the puzzle. 

Why Write Romance?

While most people wouldn't bat an eye lash over someone writing a paranormal novel given the popularity of scary monsters and sexy vampires in our culture, many of them will raise an eye brow, or two when you tell them that you are writing a romance novel.  I get many interesting responses when I decide to share my secret with people that I know.  The responses range from interest and questions, to, "oh, that's nice", while changing the subject.  Others just don't quite know what to say.  The funny thing is, we are all adults and it's obvious that they enjoy intimacy with their spouses, yet it's still considered risque to talk about.  I try to limit my conversations when people hear that I am writing a book series and keep it vague on purpose.  Wouldn't want to offend anyone.  That isn't certainly is the kind of person I'm writing for anyway.  I am writing for the people who need a little kick start in their day who, even if they have intimacy, may enjoy hearing from someone else about their different experiences with relationships.  I know I do.

I didn't start reading romance novels, or even books, until I decided to read Twilight.  Before that I was more of a movie person, despite being an English major and writing for fun in my spare time when I was younger.  I always like vampires, so don't think Twilight turned me on to the paranormal, I have always been interested in the strange stuff.  But once I read Twilight, I realized that I could read for enjoyment instead of the books that I hated reading for English classes.  Much like me telling my son to write about things that interest him and blowing his mind, this book showed me that I could care about a character I had never seen in a movie (obviously I read it before the movie came out) and could make a connection to.  Up to that point in my life I had read Shakespeare, which was interesting, and some other books that were okay, but the majority of them were classics like Paradise Lost, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Tom Sawyer, The Yearling, The House of the Seven Gables, 1985, Brave New World, and the like.  While I could relate to some of the Shakespeare characters, as a kid I had trouble relating to fawns, kids from Missouri painting fences, futuristic government controlled worlds, new civilizations, odd mind altering drugs in a supposed Utopian society vs savage worlds and a house that had seven gables (my English teacher that year, God rest her soul, was terrible at teaching House of the Seven Gables and combined two different characters into one...Malborne Holgrave...even after being told by my one friend who had read the book, that she was making a mistake...so I only remember that much about the book).  My mind was had always been dark and has always sought out disturbing and dangerous characters.  Kids from Missouri who paint fences may have been real trouble makers at the time, but are not what I would consider dangerous.  Being a goody two shoes my whole life and having suffered from some seriously disturbing life altering situations, I tended to seek out the darkness to appease the side of me that was angry and frustrated with my life since I couldn't change it.  I channeled all my rage into the evil side of the stories.  I cheered for Maleficent when she turned into a dragon.  I wanted Keifer's vampire to win.  I would have been chosen for Slytherin.  So I had trouble finding my niche when it came to stories.

When I found Edward Cullen and his sullen life, I became addicted to him.  In my head, I removed his in action and recreated him into someone who had the best of both worlds.  He could kill with his teeth, yet he still got the girl.  In many senses I made him my own, just like most of the world.  What I was surprised to find was that I enjoyed the intimate moments that he shared with Bella.  Because of his raw power and killing potential, he had to force back his dark side and make himself kinder for her.  In many ways, I felt the same way.  I had to curb my anger and hatred and become kinder if I wanted my relationships to work out.  It was because of Edward that I remembered what it was like to want intimacy.  I had been going through a hard time in my life and I forgotten how to connect to people because of my pain.  <3 were having trouble talking to each other and remembering why weren't close anymore.  Edward unlocked some of the feelings that I kept hidden like, desire and love and kindness and compassion.  When people are in turmoil, they seal off the parts of themselves that can be hurt, to save themselves, and only show people what will keep their enemies at bay.  We snarl and growl to keep people away and protect ourselves.  Edward showed me how defensive and cold I had become.  In short, Edward helped me remember my softer side.  Ironic that a vampire, the creature I had turn to when I was angry with the world, could help me open up and discover what I was holding back.

After Edward, I wanted to find other books that would help to chisel away the ice inside of me.  I needed something to restart the fire and passion within me that I had buried.  My outer shell was too tough for anyone to get through so I needed to crack through it myself to be able to reach out to people. They certainly weren't getting in, so I had to get out.  I went to Barnes and Nobles and wandered into the taboo Romance section and was embarrassed at first.  What if someone saw the me there, oh no?  I picked up a novel and took it home and read it.  While the genre wasn't right, the cover had mislead me, I did find a little of what I was looking for.  I got to read about an impossible relationship and how the characters were attracted to each other and compatible, yet had to overcome great adversity to be together.  That was exactly how I felt.  Once I found the right genre, I made the connection complete.  I read about vampires who's emotions were locked away since they were warriors and how they found someone who made them want to change.  I read about how they learned how to love someone and be intimate.  Ultimately it helped me on many levels.  I found my passionate side, which is always fun.  But I also learned to how to trust someone.  I had to learn that it was okay for me to give a part of myself to them for safe keeping.  I didn't have to keep this wall around me to protect myself, even though I was already sharing my life with someone.  It taught me to rely on someone else for emotional support.  It showed me that I don't have to be an island onto myself.  For the first I trusted someone enough to be intimate.  So I fell in love with the genre.

My heroine was locked in Hell for years and years before I allowed to her to return to the human world.  In Hell she had been miserable, wandering around lost and insecure.  She feared everything and never grew up.  After years of holding her hostage, I finally let her interact with people.  That's when she found her romance.  Orginally, I came up with different men for her to deal with and learn from.  Over time she developed relationships with them.  That's when my story started to write itself.  Granted, as I've said, the characters in my head for 16 years aren't exactly the characters that I'm writing now, but the characters now have more substance to them.  When I started envisioning the men in her life, it was because they were cute or friendly, but once I started writing them, they took on problems and issues of their own.  In writing about her getting through to her men, I realized that I am writing about people getting through my own wall.  I have been able to throw all of my pain and experiences into my characters so that they can hold onto the pain for me and I can breath again. 

So when I write about romance, it isn't just about the intimacy between the characters, it'ss more about how they got to that point and what is going on in the moment.  They are allowing themselves to trust someone for the first time.  They are finding out that it's okay to have love and be loved.  That no matter what they did up to this point, they still deserve to be happy.  Most romance novels have that message at its core.  Unfortunately most people can't see past the bedroom moments to dig deeper into the message leading up to and following the bedroom scene.  I have cried more at my romance novels than I have from any of the books I read in High School or College and I think that's a good thing.  If you cry, that means you are connecting to something, whether good or bad.  While I may have cried with the deer died, it wasn't as gut wrenching as having a hardened man who had endured years of abuse finally embrace someone and tell them that they love them.  It gets my every time because it gives me hope.  At least they could eat the deer to survive if they needed to.